There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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