If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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