I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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