I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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