What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you would pick up someone in the library
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Found the puke drawer
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
