His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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