I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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