At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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