Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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