gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
