wakey wakey hands off snakey
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
