he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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