Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
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This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
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I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
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