i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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