Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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