Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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