He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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