I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
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You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
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It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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