I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
