you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
