I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
