I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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