so let's talk penis.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize