Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
