shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
