I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
