apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize