dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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