i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
