He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
