She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
