I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
