Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
