i would punch a child for taco bell
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
