3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
