i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
