Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
