Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
