Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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