So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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