maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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