No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
