Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
