I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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