Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This house was built for laser tag.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
