I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
