Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
