Fuck appropriateness.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
