he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
