I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
