I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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