Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
