dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
