My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
