upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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